Touch
by Hedonistic Opportunist
Summary: They've both been hurt enough.


_**Touch**_

**Disclaimer: **Yes, I'm Clamp in disguise. Obviously.

**Warning(s)**: Since this is an attempt at IC Subaru/Kamui, this isn't outright fluff. It's not over the top angst either, but it's not all too cheery. Tentative Future!fic. Present tense. Bet'd by **Calamus**. All remaining errors are mine.

**A/N**: I'm not sure I managed to bring out the appropriate mixture of angst and gentleness. Oh dear, I'm sorry if this is disappointing.

There is something of a canon faux pas in this ficlet - regarding Subaru's gloves. Theoretically, the gloves we see Subaru toting in TB were destroyed towards the end of the manga, so one line in this piece is a tad bit problematic from this viewpoint D: I decided not to remove it, however.

...

In a world with Seishirou, Subaru finds himself terribly lost. It's not like he's not been lost before, but not only is he torn and broken, there's also no purpose in his life.

_Better I had died together with him_, Subaru often thinks as he traces his fingers along those gloves- the leather grown soft from years of usage. Those are the same gloves - the same ones he'd worn when he first met Seishirou.

So many memories - and the only thing that he's still got are those gloves and the marks on his hands. Subaru a man is haunted by his past, present and future.

He can't go anywhere.

Kamui doesn't say anything, but simply wraps his arms around Subaru tentatively. He doesn't tell Subaru that it'll get better (because he knows that nothing will be okay again), he just holds Subaru. He is warm and his presence is soothing in a world that Subaru has long since ceased to feel comfortable in.

Subaru closes his eyes.

And, in those fleeting moments, Subaru feels that - perhaps - his life isn't all that empty and that, maybe, he does have someone he can still turn to.

...

Kamui's skin is scarred - Subaru noticed it the first time he saw the boy naked. He's got traces of cuts and bruises everywhere.

It's beautiful, Subaru thinks, because it fits Kamui. Others might think it a pity, but Subaru - when he leaves kisses on Kamui's skin - likes the fact that he isn't flawless; he doesn't need perfection anyway.

"Where is this from?" Subaru asks as he caresses Kamui's hand, noticing that boy is trembling. He already regrets asking.

"This is when Fuuma ran his sword through my hand " Kamui answers, his eyes downcast and voice small - it's moments like this when Subaru remembers that Kamui is fragile. That, even if he desperately tries to move on, he's every bit as broken as Subaru is.

Subaru does the only thing he can do - he kisses Kamui. It's a gentle, soothing kiss; it's not Subaru's wish to hurt Kamui anymore than he already has been.

They've both been hurt enough.

...

Subaru still hates being touched. He cringes whenever someone brushes against him on the train- he knows that the person can't help it, but a side of him still feels that it's an invasion of his privacy. Subaru needs the distance. Not only because it protects him, but because it's better that way.

But he doesn't mind it when Kamui's hand touches his whenever they're close - be it when they're preparing meals, studying or just watching TV.

It's usually just a moment or two - a fleeting caress. Tentative and hesitant.

So much like them.

_You're not alone_, Kamui's touches tell him.

Kamui's hand is warm; his palm sweaty, but Subaru likes it - likes the feel of calloused skin against his own because it's real and it means he's alive.

And, as long as you're alive, everything is going to work out one way or the other.

Kamui will often trace his fingers over Subaru's face, his eyes blazing with emotion that makes Subaru's throat tighten with something he'd rather not feel.

"You don't have to feel guilty about this," Subaru tells him. He doesn't have to tell Kamui that he's already got a replacement for the eye he lost because it's there, staring down at Kamui.

But Kamui never mentions the mismatched eyes. He knows the reason for them.

"I know. I just can't stand the thought of seeing you hurt - not anymore than you already are."

"I don't think it's possible to avoid hurting as long one is alive," Subaru says. Maybe it's the wrong thing to say, but Subaru doesn't have it in him to lie.

Whenever they visit the gravestones, they remain quiet. Not that it's necessary. Subaru knows that no words could ever bring Kotori or Fuuma back to Kamui. And he also knows that, in those moments, Kamui just needs the silence.

But still, he holds Kamui's hand, telling him like this that he's here and that he won't be leaving any time soon.

No, he can't give Kamui all of him - just like Kamui can't be everything Subaru desires, but he's still here and trying.

It's not much, but still better than nothing.

...


End file.
